Zach sent me these lyrics last night.
I read them, and then I cried.
My life is based on the idea of change, loss, and grieving.
my life litterally goes through the five stages of grief, over and over and over again. In a never ending cycle, and just when I think I'm alright I get pierced in the heart again.
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
EVERCHANGING:
In the face of change,that's when she turned to me and said:"I'm not sure anymore..."And there, amidst the wavesand the cloudless skies...That blanket, the year before...I watch my life wash ashore.Have you ever been a part of somethingthat you thought would never end?And then, of course, it did.Have you ever felt the weight inside you,pulling away inside your skin?Then something had to give...And now the lines are drawn...Is this feeling gone?The best parts of this have come and goneand now that is all that this is.With the reasons clear,We'll spend another year...Without direction,full of fear,but now things will be different.There's nothing simple when it comes to you and I...Always something in this everchanging life;and there probably always will.Now that time is getting harder to come by,the same arguments are always on our minds,killed this slowly fading lights.And now the lines are drawn,is this feeling gone?The best parts of this have come and gone,and now that is all that this is.And with the reasons clear,we'll spend another year...Without direction,full of fear,but now things will be different...And now something, has kept me here too long...And you can't leave me, if I'm already goneAnd now something, has kept me here too long...And you can't leave me, if I'm already gone...Well something, has kept me here to long, and you can't leave me, if I'm already gone...And we make the same mistakes; we're always hanging on.Break the promises we're always leaning on.All this time spent waking up...Now keep this line open to get this call from you,speak the words that keep me coming back to you...Now this time it's all different...And now something has kept me here too long,and now I'm gone...
It's like all he wants to do is hold me down.
He doesnt help the pain.
what am I supposed to do?
oh and to make things ten times worse, I had a dream about Trav last night.
I blame myself for his death so much. I know it's not really my fault, but I cant help but feel terrible about that day. I can replay every moment of it in my mind. And it hurts so badly.
This blog was not meant to be a "poor Ema" writting.
I just need to get it out. It doesnt help, but it gives me something to do.
Well There is your update Sierra.
Love you.
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2 comments:
Love you too....dont blame yourself bout Trav Em. It was his time, whether a car accident took his life or he had just died in his sleep it would have happened. As for Zach, i hardly know what to say, he seems to just be intent on causing as much damage as possible. Maybe you just have to let him slip out of your life, think about him less. Dont respond to his texts right away. Dont tell him how you feel or when you are upset. Just let him choose to leave and dont let it hurt you cause he does more damage when is in your life. Let it be so that you just wake up and realize he doesnt talk to you as much anymore and let it happen Em. I love you so much doll, its pretty hard for me to just sit back and see all these things hurting you. MAN, this is just about as long as your post lol. :) Weeeeelllll, i dont think you can complain that I didnt leave a long enough comment this time lol
I know that it was his time.
I have been through the grieving process for THAT over and over. I've acepted what I cant change.
actually in both situations, Travis & Zach. I have accepted what I cant change. I am just so sick of being in pain. I dont want to be miserable. And I suppose you would think that it's just a state of mind. I thought so too. I actually think that I am sick. like mentally and emotionally. something is just not right in Ema World. Which is LAME.
I dont want to be sad anymore.
I dont want to feel miserable. I dont need this. I have learned enough in my 16+ years. I know that I still have learning to do, but cant I just take a break from the tough lessons? Cant life just be simple for a little bit?
no? ok well then I quit. lol
not really. I cant quit. It's not a possibility.
I think "He Who Must Not Be Named" (referring to THAT boy) is taking the easy way out by going away next year. He says he feels restless and useless. Well join the club buddy. But not everyone is quite as slendiferous as he, so I suppose he doesnt see it as easy. He'll continue to contemplate exactly how and when he gets to leave, while the rest of us are stuck here waiting. Waiting for life to start, while he gets to start early, and leave us all behind.
I am not a happy camper if you couldnt tell.
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